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WHAT IS A DEATH COUNSELOR

 

The end of life is a time of great change and uncertainty, which can cause a lot of anxiety, stress, and fear for the patient and their loved ones involved.

Providing a calming presence, excellent listening skills and the opportunity to assist with questions and unresolved feelings, a death counselor can help the patient (and their loved ones) find peace, meaning, and ease.

For those who desire, a death counselor can also help create an end-of-life legacy project that shares their life story.

What do death counselors do?

There are many professionals who offer expertise, services and support at the-end-of-life, including palliative and hospice care, chaplains, psychotherapists, home health aids, grief and loss counselors, support groups, caregivers, massage therapists, alternative healers, drivers, meal chefs and providers, personal helpers and errand runners.

But the one thing that tends to be missing in all the above is the death counselor. 

So what does a death counselor offer and how do they fit into the care team?

Death counselors provide services that are complementary to the care provided by other professionals and loved ones. They aid in end of life comfort care by offering mental, emotional, social and spiritual support as they companion the patient and help ease their anxieties.

Most people don’t want to die alone and therefore seek a compassionate companion who can offer them the peace and beauty of full presence at the end of their life. Even for those who are most fortunate to have a professional or family caregiver, the caregivers are so busy doing other things involved with the physical and medical care, they often don’t have the time to sit at the patient's bedside with all of their attention.

The end of life is a time of great change and uncertainty, which can cause a lot of anxiety, stress, and fear for the patient and their loved ones involved.

Providing a calming presence, excellent listening skills and the opportunity to assist with questions and unresolved feelings, a death counselor can help the patient (and their loved ones) find peace, meaning, and ease.

For those who desire, a death counselor can also help create an end-of-life legacy project that shares their life story.

It is common for people who come to their end of life, to all of the sudden want to talk about death, dying and thereafter, but they often find that their friends and family don’t want to have these conversations with them, or they simply don’t know how. As a result, many people at the end of life feel alienated in their process as if no one around them can really understand or be there to witness what they are thinking and feeling. They feel unprepared for the process of dying, and some even feel misunderstood. For those patients who express an interest to explore philosophical, existential and/or spiritual questions, a death counselor is skilled at navigating these conversations without judgement, agenda or attachment to the outcome. This kind of process with a death counselor can be very cathartic, empowering and offer a lot of emotional healing to the patient. 

Here are some examples of the questions many people have when they come to the end of their life:

  • What happens when I die?
  • What happens after I die?
  • Is dying painful?
  • Is the moment of death painful?
  • Will I be alone while I’m dying or when I die?
  • Who will remember me? And what will they remember?
  • What is the point of life on earth and why does it have it end?
  • Did my life have purpose and meaning?
  • What is happiness?
  • Who am I?

Exploring and navigating the unknown aspects that cause personal anxiety, stress and fear in people at the end of their life, is a death counselor’s specialty. Hence, a death midwife is a wise and compassionate companion who can skillfully guide a patient and their loved ones to find peace and meaning that eases their emotional angst, grief and suffering.

This is where an end-of-life doula, midwife or guide comes into play.

This is Cindie’s specialty. As a death midwife, she is a safe place, a compassionate companion, and a witness to each person’s life and end of life journey. She offers emotional support, a keen ear, non-judgement and the opportunity to be seen, to be heard and to be guided into a peaceful way of being. With each person, she engages in a journey deeply listening to their life stories and guiding their transition. 

It’s never too early to prepare for your end of life.

Human beings are born to die. There is a connection and a continuum between birth and death that few in our modern culture are encouraged to contemplate. Sadly, this leaves many unprepared for end of life and causes a lot of unnecessary trauma and angst. 


It’s interesting as a culture, how much we learn about, prepare for and celebrate birth in advance of the event, but yet we seldom talk about or plan for death before it happens. This is a curious oversight in a culture that emphasizes hard work, learning and preparation as integral to achieving success in all aspects of life, including business, athletics, and relationships. Why then would these same citizens not put thought and effort into planning for a good death? It’s true that some believe thinking about death and dying will make it happen sooner rather than later. For others the topic is just too morbid to consider. The problem is when a person arrives at the end of their life through aging or a terminal diagnosis, all of the sudden, they may feel frightened, confused and overwhelmed and want or need to have these kinds of conversations to help reduce their fears around the unknown.

Death and birth are similar in that one is our entry to life on earth and the other is our exit. The difference is that even though a baby’s birth is biologically complicated---the baby develops inside a dark liquid womb and then makes a spectacular transition to existing outside in air and light---we can still bet with high odds what will happen at birth. This is not the same with death.  No one knows for certain what will happen when we die and unfortunately this mystery triggers a lot of anxiety, fear and stress, to the point where most people don’t feel comfortable discussing death and dying, when it can actually be very helpful.

Preparing for your end of life is mostly about considering and sharing your values, so that you have personal clarity and also so that your loved ones know your wishes and can support you in those ways. Here are some examples of things to ponder and discuss that might help you better understand where to begin your planning:

  • How do you want to spend your last days – at home or in the hospital?
  • Who do you want to be near you?
  • Do you prefer quiet solitude or a lot of visitors?
  • Is there anyone you want to make amends with before it’s too late?
  • Do you have an Advance Health Care Directive that states whether or not you want lifesaving procedures, and if so to what extent?
  • What are your wishes related to end-of-life medications?
  • Are views of nature or time outside important to you at the end of life?
  • Who do you want to care for your pet when you’re gone?

 

We all know the benefits of preparation, even if things don’t work out exactly as planned. So why not begin preparing for your end of life now. Understanding the basics, having honest, healthy conversations about death and dying, getting your essential paperwork in order – these things all contribute to reducing uncertainty and anxiety, now and later.

There is another way. Ask yourself these questions…

What if you could have a guide to help you navigate the unknown in a way that might bring you to a state of peace for the death transition? 

What if you could die consciously, ready and prepared to move through the end-of-life process with someone as a guide to help you through all of the phases?


What if discussions could be created that would help both the person who is preparing for this transition and the loved ones around them so that everyone was in sync with what would occur at each juncture?

Would you like to know you’ve done everything you could to make your last moments meaningful, poignant, caring, and compassionate. Would you like to be witnessed and be seen?

Would you like to reflect on your life or perhaps discuss what the future may be? And would you enjoy some exercises or practices that put you into a peaceful state of being to help you feel less anxious and more relaxed, as you go through this with a more conscious awareness?

As your death counselor, Cindie will be there compassionately for you to be seen and heard as you go through this next journey. She is here to take care of your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being through this process.